Everybody Was Kung Fu Driving By Buster McNutt Once again, I am attempting to prove that not all bright ideas glow with the same high intensity wattage. For every mega gazillion-watt lighthouse beacon idea, there are about as many 2.5-watt refrigerator bulb ideas as there are rust holes in you typical 1973 Vega.And in at least half of those cases, we are talking dim refrigerator bulb ideas. About two years ago, I started buying those books-on-tape so I could improve my mind while I was racking up all that windshield time delivering the Viagra to the Nauga ranchers (don’t ask). The results were pretty immediate. Passengers in the Estate Wagon (a.k.a. The Buick Smithsonian) were instantly impressed by the little bookshelfT’d built where the glove box used to be so I could show off my book tape collection. I even glued little leatherette covers to the plastic cases for added effect. But I really started making intellectual progress around six months ago, when I installed a cassette tape player in the Estate Wagon. (How was I to know the bookson-tape people don’t do eight tracks?) I was disappointed that there weren’t a lot of instructional tapes out there. I did luck up, however, and find one on learning Kung Fu. I’d always wanted to learn Kung Fu so I could pluck flies out of the air, walk on rice paper without making any noise, and fire off all those Oriental wise-crack- ers that always begin with “Little Grasshopper.” With the audio Kung Fu instruc- tional tape set you also get a couple of stick-on dragon tattoos and your choice of four dashboard-mounted Kung Fu legends poseable action fig- ures: David Carradine, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, or Pamela Anderson. I figured learning Kung Fu while driving shouldn’t startle that many other drivers, since just about everybody shouts unintelligible phrases and makes indecipherable hand gestures behind the wheel from time to time. There are a few concessions that have to be made when you move Kung Fu out of the dojo (an oriental work meaning “dojo”’) and into the passen- ger compartment of your automobile. Learning all the stances is an obvious issue. Fortunately, the instructional tape people came up with a couple ways to get around this. For $2,356.87 you can buy a video projection unit that clips on the back of the front seat and projects images on the inside of the windshield. (This was actually Yugo’s version of the Cadillac night vision technology.) This was a bit pricey for me, so I took the second option. For $12.47 I gota set of sixteen 12” x 12” transparent self-adhesive vinyl sheets that self-adhese to the inside of the windshield. Each sheet has a different stance demonstrated by your favorite Kung Fu legend. In my case that would have been, oh I dunno— maybe, Pamela? This is the same technology they use to put those “Harley Davidson,” “Panama Jack,” and “Buster Rules!” decals on the rear glass of pickup trucks, only they do it in reverse. You can see Pam or the guys making all the right moves on the inside glass, but it’s completely transparent to people on the other side of your windshield. Some of the early versions acciden- tally sprayed the secret coating on both sides, so people on the other side of MARCH/APRIL, 2000 the windshield saw Kung Fu Pam/ Dave/Steve/Chuck’s backside. The government ordered a recall. Appar- ently other drivers would glance in their rear view mirrors, see Pam/Dave/ Steve/Chuck’s posterior, and either (1) run off the road; (2) plow into the ve- hicle ahead of them; or (3) drop their drawers and moon the car behind them. Most of side number one of the first tape was grunting practice. There are 17 different grunts that are to be used with different Kung Fu moves. This starts with the basic “Oey!” (rhymes with “soy” and is produced by holding your nose and ramming your stomach into the steering wheel). “Oey!” is an Oriental term that can best be translated as “‘you’re fixin’ to get a tail whoppin’” (Kung Fu is a southern Oriental discipline). This is not to be confused with the more advanced “Whaaaaaa!” (rhymes with ““Shaaaaaa!”’ which means “T’m fixin’ to open a can of whoop tail on ya’ Il.” Side two gets into the sparing as- pect. Since it’s illegal in 49 states to actually beat up on your passenger while driving, the non-Texas kits also include a 1/4 scale inflatable sparing partner that you attach to your rear view mirror. This is a convenient way to practice your hand movements. (Note to readers: There is a warning in the pamphlet that accompanies the tapes that clearly states you are not allowed to use the rear view-mounted sparing partner to practice kicks until side two of tape three). (Note to self: Next time, read the pamphlet that ac- companies the tapes before starting the program.) I got most of the way through tape one before I had to give it up. By then I’d broken three fingers, cracked the windshield twice, and was having Page 1 of 2